Then I start to ponder all the shortcomings, all the missed opportunities. I start to ponder if I'm ever going to be in that place of contentment with my walk with God, where I'm assured and unshaken by the things I said would not shake me last year or the year before that.
I'm trying to grasp that relationship with the Father is better than just route method to a moral life with disconnect. Relationship with the One Who did so much on my behalf so He could know me--let me not waste effort on right living without rightly knowing Him.
That proper appearances to hide a raw struggle do nothing to encourage the rest of the body in a similar raw struggle of their own. Sometimes to cling to Jesus in the storm we have to grit our teeth and make the ugly face because we are trying to hold on tight.
And to wrestle with God doesn't mean a fight against Him, but with Him. It's a hard dance, this toe-to-toe but we are locked in arms with our God. But when the match is over, may He give us a new name because we did not give up the fight.
So I sat in the arm chair. Tired mind, too much on loop and wanting to have any moment of quiet to be alone. I'm fighting all sorts of interruptions even as I write this. It's comical the amount of drama that can happen when I try to steal away a few moments for myself. I have so many who need me for so much...
But I sat there for at least a minute feeling overwhelmed by all that I myself need (and He knows this). And Marty came over, cheeky smile to climb up and sit next to me with his snack. He nuzzled in.
And God whispers He loves me like that. Not based on any abilities or inabilities. Not based on how much I know or don't know. Not based on performance. He loves me. It's simple and profound and ground-breaking.
This year He doesn't want me to get a check list, He doesn't want me to make all things right. He wants me to be overcome by His love. I will let that be the foundation of this new start with Him. And all I need do is come.
No comments:
Post a Comment