Pride & Insecurity

Pride and insecurity--they are one in the same.

Pride is the great divider between the Creator and the creation. Pride says "I know better than You," "You can't make me," "I'll take it from here, God," "Thanks, but no thanks."

Insecurity says "Why did You make me this way?" "I am too unworthy for Your love," "I cannot ask You for help," "You cannot use me."

Those two may seem like whole different ball games but they both have the same underlying tone to them: "I don't need You" or "I'm better off without You." In essence: leave me alone. 

Pride and insecurity tell God what He can and cannot do. It sounds so ludicrous when spelled out this way because it is! We, the created, have the audacity to tell our Creator a thing or two. It breaks the heart of God that we can be so wrong about our great need for Him because we are literally nothing without Him!

And here's the bottom line: He still loves us! Even after we've tried to live without Him for whatever reason. He is always waiting for us to recognize we have and are nothing without Him. God created us for Himself and He hates anything that comes between Him and the ones He loves. He is a jealous God. God wants us to turn and love Him because He has loved us (1 John 4:19). Everything He does is based on love--because God is love (1 John 4:16) and He knows no other way. 

Pride and insecurity put space between a people and their God that was never meant to exist. God never wished for us to be seperate from Him so Jesus came to make things right again; so we could have a relationship restored unto Him. Pride would say "I'm above all that." Insecurity would say "I'm beneath all that." Truth would tell us we need Jesus. And He chases us to tell us so.

Trust Issues

My dad used to sell antiques at flea markets on a regular basis. And usually he'd come home with some antiques he bought as well. One time he brought home a large doll house for my sister and an antique teal and dusty rose-colored lace dress for me. I tried to imagine a daddy-daughter dance I might get to wear it to. He put the doll house in our shared room and hung the dress in our closet. Us two little girls, wide-eyed with wonder over our new gifts. 

I'm sure my dad really meant for those to be gifts for his little girls. He loved us. But he had a drug problem and his addictions trumphed everything else in his life. So early the next morning while we were still in bed my dad came into our room and took the doll house and the beautiful dress he had given us just the day before. He reasoned he could resell them for more money than what he paid. 

I tell you this story because I realize having God as my Father doesn't come without trust issues and this comes to mind when start to doubt. I have been clothed in God's own righteousness. He has paid the highest cost for me. His relentless love has covered me. And when I start to doubt I begin to think that He is taking back what He's given me.

I think of Peter on the waves in the Gospel of Matthew. He has seen Jesus and stepped out onto the waves. When he begins to doubt he starts to slip under the water. When we doubt, we sink--even though God has not changed and Jesus is still in front of us. 

Mistrust has some incredible consequences. Like I mentioned in the post about Trust & Eve & You, Eve gave up Eden and closeness with God because she mistrusted Him disobeyed. 

Mistrust leads to disobedience and disobedience leads to seperation from God. It causes a break in our relationship with Him. 

Jesus has made a way through the cross for us to have a relationship with Him, to live for Him. We can be Eve in the garden before the fall, Peter who stood on rocky waves with Jesus before he began to slip underwater. When we choose not to trust God we are Eve eating the fruit; we are Peter sinking below the waves. 

God has already done it all. We simply have to trust and obey (cue old hymn).

Realize this: if our own Maker, the One Who came to die in our place and free us from sin and shame and death cannot be trusted, who can? He alone is trustworthy!

Overwhelmed

So I'm gathering songs together for an Inspire event. I was trusting God to give me the songs to do. I thought I had gathered the ones God was showing me and I was on the lookout for what fit the theme, some of the first ones I heard.

Then I tried to practice some of the set. Some of them I really liked and were easy to lead and some I couldn't get the notes right and it was just a frustrating ordeal. I began to despise the songs that were gathered and wondered if I had heard from God about the song selections afterall. 

Last night before an impromptu practice session with two of the women on our team I heard this song--this gripping lullaby of a worship song that rocked my soul. "You Know Me" by Bethel Worship.

I needed to sing this over and over and over and over and over. The words! The melody! I can't even begin to think of it without almost melting.

On the way to impromptu practice I was not aware God was giving me a song for our set. I had tried to rush and pick the ones I thought were right for the theme, but His plan in all this is nothing short of Divine.

I realized in the car on my way to pick up the violinist that this song echoed Psalm 139--my favorite Psalm. A Psalm that has given me comfort in places of fear, the Psalm that God had awoken me with the same day Marty was diagnosed with Down syndrome. The same Psalm this blog got it's namesake from. I also just found out that it is a verse that our leader is speaking on at Inspire where we will be doing our worship set. 

I woke up this morning and got my guitar out and played it as an offering of my heart. I don't know what God has in store but I know that above all He knows and loves me with such an incredible, intimate love so that whatever comes from His hand I can trust and know He's got me. Since this morning I have been graced with such a strong sense of His very real presence weighing on me like a thick blanket. I know that He was waiting for the perfect timing to reveal His songs and I should have waited on Him. Lesson learned! The songs are so much better than anything I could've ever tried to fix-up on my own. Amazing love! He's in all the details! Just look at the message God wants us to grasp about Him:

"You are beautiful" -Beautiful

"You are mine" - Oceans

"You are God" - You Know Me 

"You are constant...You are always good...You are Sovereign" - Not for a Moment 

"All I need to do is worship...lift my hands, surrender and bow down" - All I Need

Join us for Inspire on May 9th 7pm! So excited!

Walk In Authority

"With great power comes great responsibility."

Sooooooo true.

What responsibility do we have when we walk in the power and authority of Christ?

To set captives free. To lay hands on the sick and see them recover. To watch the blind see and the deaf hear.

To raise the dead.

But you've never done that before. How do you know it will work? What happens if it doesn't? What if I look like a fool? Worse--what if people think I'm crazy? 

What if the reason we don't walk in our authority has less to do with knowing what authority we've been given and more to do with what it is going to cost to walk in it?

Jesus Himself said we'd do greater works than He did. Well then, how bout it?

I know what authority I've been given. I know Whose I am. But I am guilty of putting authority aside when fear grips me or doubt rises, when uncertainty looms and the onlookers look. That has to be one of the greatest heartbreaks of God--to see us lay aside our costly inheritance as sons and daughters of King Jesus and shrink back from being used by Him in ways that would bring Him glory. 

His perfect, relentless love casts out our fear. We can walk in every ounce of authority He's given us when we are consumed by our God, Who is Himself love. 

God forgive us for taking Your Holy Spirit lightly and for not being willing to be used by You in greater ways. Your relentless love for us doesn't stop with simply saving us but healing us as well. We know you desire greater faith on our behalf to be able to be used by You. Help us to trust your voice, to let Your love guide our steps. Teach us daily to live and move in the authority we've been gifted. Amen!

God of the Desperate

God was showing me today that desperation creates the greatest stage for God to come in all His fullness in our lives. 

The woman with the issue of blood in the Gospels was desperate. She pushed through the massive crowd to reach just a hem of Jesus' robe. Not only was she set free from her agony but Jesus called her out from the crowd to see Him face to face. 

I was desperate. Sick of living in a cyclical hell of my own undoings, tired of fighting the same battles of my soul over and over again but never gaining any ground. Trying to live in my own strength, exhaustingly desperate for just a touch of His great love. And oh how I've met Him face to face; He's drawn me to Himself. 

Until we are are wholly desperate He can do nothing for us. We will believe we won't need Him or even see our need for Him because we think we got this--"I'm good." 

Some people might think Jesus is a crutch. To that I say "Thank God!" because I know what it means to lean fully into Him the weight of all that I can't bear.

The truth is we're pitiful, wretched and broken. We're all really desperate if we honestly evaluate our condition. But until we see it Jesus becomes optional. That is pitiful.

Become aware of how desperatly you need Him. Our desperation creates a space for Him come and move in our midst. 

"Show Me Your Glory"

There was a worship song that came on as I was sweeping my kitchen floor. The chorus said "show me Your Glory." Then I heard God whisper...

"I'd show My glory, but what would you do with it?" I about fell over as He began to show me how American church has created the idea of Jesus a personal Savior in a way that's idolatrous.

Yes Jesus is personal. He knows us inside and out--every detail down the number of hair on our heads. He can speak to you and you can know Him on a personal level. That's not what we're talking about here.

Somehow over time we have created the idea that Jesus becomes your personal Savior and that He begins to change and save you for your own sake and that's it. And if others look at you and see a change or a difference that's great. They should get a personal Savior too. Jesus becomes as applicable as a fitness plan if you feel the need to have Him in your life. 

Where did we get this idea that Jesus hides out inside of us? When did we begin to think He's only for us and our sense of sanity when when it gets hard at work or our kids are chaotic? How did Jesus become like our Lunchable--packaged and sealed till whenever we think we need to partake a little bit of the Bread of Life to sustain us. This is not the Jesus of the Gospels!

The impact of Jesus on the world was explosive! It was messy and inconvenient and it went beyond the personal-Savioring many misguided Christians proclaim they have. The Creator of the Universe chose a teenager to be birthed to, in a dark cave with an evil king on their trail. He died a gruesome death then The Risen Lord and Holy Spirit indwelling created a whole new level of rock-your-world belief the disciples couldn't seem to shut up about--even unto their own deaths and demise (there's that relentlessness I discussed in an earlier post--it's Divine). 

If you're worshiping an image of Jesus that's well-behaved and pocket-sized--if you're picturing a comfy-cozy Jesus to help you make it through your day--it's a false image of Him. Get rid of it. Toss it out. The disciples didn't give their lives for a personalized, compacted Jesus. Not even the Son of Man gave His life for that!

The King of all Heaven who can't be contained, who consumes the heart and mind with all of Himself till it spills over and out into your life and the lives around you--the impactful, inconvienent God of the Universe--this is our God. 

God wants to show us His glory. He wants us to share it with the world. He didn't die to make you a better person while you tarry here on earth, to get you by till you get to Heaven. He did all this to explode His love in you and to be demonstrated through you. His glory is revealed in us alive in Him. And until you know and worship the true God instead of an easier, safe-Jesus you will never understand why He can't be just for you. 

He wants to show us His glory. What are we going to do with it? I don't even think we fully understand what it might mean. It will cost you everything in terms of being happy with your boxed-up uneffectual-Jesus, but that really isn't Him anyway is it? 

He is the Pearl of Great Price we are willing to go broke on. And He's worth it all. Show us your Glory, God!

More than a Mom

I've been told on Mother's Day I'm more than a mom. I understand, I guess. I'm a wife, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a woman. Lots more roles to play besides "mom." It should free me to think of myself as more than a mom. But it exhausts me to think of all the shoes I have to fill because I have enough pairs to pick up during my day already that don't even belong to me!

When God called to me in my kitchen I was almost shocked that He'd meet me there in the first place. It's a kitchen. What business did God want with me in my kitchen? Purpose. Divine, Holy purpose.

"I am still calling, even housewives in kitchens." And I should not be surprised by this at all. 

I am more than just a mom because He made me with purpose--purpose that doesn't wait until my kids are grown or school bound. Purpose that dwells in my core and rises up to pray for broken daughters of injustice. It's otherworldly and without title. It's transcendent. It's uncompartmentalizable. And it's mine.

I'm a warrior washing dishes, rearing strong-willed kids with fierce love and praise-filled lips. I have hands that scrawl out His love on paper and tie up ribbons on gifts for the forgotten. I strum a weapon of warfare to call men to arms and the church to get a grip on the God that loves them. My voice is raised to an audience of One and sounds an alarm to awaken the dead. 

I am more than just a mom because I am His--and that is no small thing. It's bigger than any title I can hope to ever have, it's more solid than what in this world might define me by how I am related here on earth. A daughter of the King. That is who I am. 

And I know it, not just in my head but in the very depths of my soul. I am His and He is mine. It's not because someone told me, it's because my soul cries "Abba Father" and He hears me. I know this because I'm known. I know this because He's made Himself known to me. 

I am more than a mom. I am His.

Journals & Wonders

God keeps pressing me to go back and look at my old journals. He's been asking me for years to do this! The other night I glanced at a recent entry, perhaps just a couple months ago and I was blown away. The words on the page poured out into a desperate prayer, one that is mirroring the exact details of what's been going on in my life recently down to specific words I've used in blogging--words that I don't even use on a regular basis! I folded that entry over in my journal below to represent God hearing me, an answered prayer. If you look closely you will see some of the prayer; it echoes parts of the Relentless post from yesterday. (That is only God!)

My very real God hears me. He's not deaf to my cries in the dessert of my soul and is faithful to meet me where I'm at. Everytime. 

I can even see how God speaks to me and through me even when I am not so fully aware of how close He really is. Here is a mini sermon that I could not have had any humanly insight about. This is also only from Him--He is Truth.

I am greatful He chooses to use His servant despite her flaws and wanderings but I am also sad when I look back because I was so spiritually frustrated and pitiful trying to live for God in a godly way but in my own strength and power, not in the strength and power that comes from encountering Him and all that He is daily. 

Yes He will still use me. He's placed gifts in my life that is evident from the journal entry. But I can still be in Christ and not fully alive in Him. And if you are not fully alive you are partially dead. To be partially dead means that you are dying more than you are living. And a half-dead thing can still spread sickness and disease. At least if we know something is fully dead there is no question what must be done. We bury it in the ground where it can't spread decay to the rest of the populous. But the walking dead can spread disease faster because they carry it with them wherever they go; they are a harbinger of death.

I was the walking dead. I am finally beginning to understand some warnings in scripture that I either didn't truly understand or couldn't really comprehend:

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth." (Revelation 3:15-16)

God desires to consume us with Himself, with the Holy fire of His presence so that we can walk out into a world racked with evil and all the pain and suffering it causes and be the blazing beacon of hope and life He Himself is. God in us, at work in us, should bring life and not decay wherever we go. Like the sun draws out seeds from the ground, God in us should bring new life and purpose to the dormant and dead wherever we go. The partially dead can't do that. 

“Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ (Matthew 7:22-23 NIV)

From my own life I can look back and say this might've been true for me except God and His graciousness, drawing me to Himself all along and responding finally to that still small voice that bids me "Come." 

We can seek all the wonders we want. He desires for us to see His glory, we turn and give Him praise when He does the miraculous in our lives. But until we know Him, until we accept the greatest miracle of Heaven come down to die for me and become new life for me when He was raised again, no amount of miracles will replace what it means to truly know Him. 

Israel saw miracles all the time; they walked on the dry ground of a parted sea. They were given bread from Heaven daily from God Himself--and they complained! We throw our hands up trying to imagine their hardheadedness--but that's us! 

Miracles without relationship is just signs and wonders from an unknown source. God does the miraculous because He loves us. Until we are fully alive to His great love, His miracles become to us like magic tricks or explained-away phenomenons.

Do you know that probably not everybody who saw Jesus heal the sick and raise the dead ended up ever truly following Him? And they saw Him in the flesh! The Rich young ruler who turned and left when the cost of his wealth here on earth was costing him all the wealth of Heaven probably saw Jesus do many great things. 

The greatest miracle has already taken place for us. And if that was the only miracle Jesus ever performed it would've been enough. But because He loves us He chooses to bless us with His great love manifest in the miraculous. And He chooses to use us, but apart from Him it is useless and deadly. Allow God to raise the dead in you. Come to life in Him. Then watch Him blow you away with all that He can do in your life.

Relentless

God was showing me tonight how He is relentless. I used to say that the devil was relentless when all hell seemed to be breaking lose in my life. But the devil didn't go so far as to die on the cross for me. Only Jesus. He is truly relentless. All Heaven came down to give me life. Jesus pursued me like no other--HE alone fits that description, not my enemy who merely flees when resisted and submits to the Name and Authority of King Jesus.

I was blown away and so overwhelmed by the example God brought to mind of the disciples who stopped at nothing through the power of the Holy Spirit--the relentless God Himself alive in them--to bring the message of Christ to the masses whatever the cost. RELENTLESS. That is our God, that is our Maker. 

And so He makes us. 

And if this same relentless God lives in me--He can use me to be that steadfast for Him. Despite all that I fear, despite all of my doubts, despite all my worries He rises up inside of me and I know I am able to truly live for Him. His Spirit at work in us gives us the stamina we need to carry out His will for our lives and to live and be all that He created us for: His Glory. This relentless God alive in us, we are unstoppable, unshakeable, unmovable, unbreakable. All for Him.