So Sure

It was just a year ago that I began a journey of desperation, of longing. Then I began a journey of incredible closeness with God. His presence was more tangible, more desirable, more fulfilling than anything I had ever experienced previously in all my years of knowing Him. It was as if I never knew Him and was falling in love for the first time. 

I was mesmerized, head over heels. I wanted to steal away with Him any free moments I had. I was won.

I walked into the hard obedience because that's what love does--it listens and moves. Awkward, uncharted and personally terrifying territory. And my heart was ablaze with His own flame that lit the way in the dark.

Boldness, new joy, fresh oil and genuine love with no regard for opinions or attitudes I might encounter, always looking for opportunities to share.

And somehow I got jaded. I started to question everything and doubt the risk compared to the gain. It was no longer about love fueled obedience. I became guarded because it hurts to be misinterpreted, misunderstood. It hurts to  try vulnerability--but that's no stranger to the Savior.

Pain has a funny way of halting us, of making us recoil in fear. 

I look back at old blog posts and I wonder, "Who was that?" because none of those writings even sound like me. I'm reserved now and skeptical, and she seemed so sure. I'm a gray area, feel it out first kinda girl, she was all or nothing, ready or not.

And I understand it I think. She was filled, not with defensiveness but with the Holy One. 

He's not gone. I still feel the embers white hot when I think on Him. I realize that I haven't really learned my lesson because it was never about any lessons needing learning. Why do we think God is mainly concerned about getting us to learn a lesson He can check off on some list? He's more than a Teacher, He's a Father. He's a Brother. He is Love. We can be so sure of that even when we are feeling off.

I know the fight is real to get me to dismiss the original journey, to see it all as some sort of hoax. A misguided venture. A dead end. A lost cause. That I should stick to the status quo, numb up keep as before.

But I can't go back. I've tasted fresh bread from the Father's hand and it doesn't compare to stale leftovers, years ago manna, someone else's crumbs. 

I've felt the strongest, stayed flame of a drawing near, know the real fear of the Lord by His overwhelming presence. And I am all ruined for life on this God I can know like this.

I can't ever go back.