I've pondered it way too much instead of actually letting go. I wrestled with thoughts about if it's my choice to choose to say yes to God, but how can I choose anything at all that's godly if I'm wholly wretched and bent on my own way?
The answer is He's drawn me to Himself. He's placed His Holy Spirit in me full of holy desires and a want to please God instead of myself. The answer is Him.
So when it I'm living life I have choices to make each moment: life or death, His ways or my ways, right or wrong, Spirit or flesh. I have to choose whether or not I'm going to walk in the Spirit; do I want to act on what He desires or what I desire?
It's easy to tell the difference. I can always notice when I'm walking in my flesh. I stomp on the fruits of the Spirit. I lose self control and become reactive to my environment; I adapt and give way to the temperature or pleasures of the moment. I become anxious and self-focused, insecure and possessive. I want to blend in, fit in. I care too much about my own stuff and time. God is an afterthought and conviction is negotiable. My thoughts become fast paced and crowded, bombarded with everything I don't want and I feel buried under the onslaught. I want my own way. I want to win petty fights and create tension and argue over non-issues. I want others who aren't living in turmoil to join me. Anyone steadfast is seen as a threat; there must be something wrong with them. I turn to judgement as a defense tactic. I'm fighting a battle for the wrong side and I'm full of guilt, shame, and regret. I'm jealous and want credit. I want approval. I'm mean and full of excuses. I'm miserable and depressed. I'm distant and feel hopeless, useless. I feel overwhelmed by my sins and the consequences.
When I'm walking in the Spirit, I'm hungry for His word, to meet Him in worship, to pray and to include others also. I'm slow to become angry. I search out divine opportunities and I'm quick to listen, to wait on the Holy Spirit's guidance. I don't care about looking weird--in fact I desire that so people will pay attention, to see Jesus. I am peace-filled and joyful--nothing shakes me. Chaos only reminds me of the Strong God I serve and the peace I feel in the midst of it. I desire to sneak away with God and be with Him. My eyes are fully open. I have revelation and insight. I am wise with my children because I heed the direction of the Lord. I'm humble and agreeable, letting others go first. I'm patient and understanding. I'm quick to pray. I'm eager to serve in lowly ways and love flows instead of being forced. I'm kind and generous. I'm thoughtful. I'm confident In Christ's work done on my behalf, that it's truly enough to cover me, and I'm loved beyond comprehension and it's evident. I don't regret walking in the Spirit ever, because I can see clearly.
How do I chose one over another consciously?
Approaching the throne of grace, asking for the Lord to draw me into His presence and to renew my mind. Ask the Lord to change my desires and give me a heart of flesh instead of stone, softened and beating with His own lifeblood, clothed in His Son. Wash me and I will be clean. Say the word and I will be new. Put your hand upon me and strengthen my resolve to know you more and make you known, not in my own strength and capacity but in the power of your Holy Spirit. Continue to strip away the layers of dead religion and earning your salvation. Make me like you, make me Holy.
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